kelseabreanne

i don't care too much about livejournal anymore, but tonight i need to vent, and this is all i've got. since no one reads this but myself, i feel i can say anything, therefore i will.

right now.
i do not feel pretty. i do not feel special. i do not feel i am worth your time. i lost my job. i'm good at nothing. you are my whole world and all i want is to be with you forever. that's all that truly matters to me, is you. and i feel like i keep fucking up. at everything. i'm a bitch to you. i lost my job. i'm not a good driver. i have no money. i'm a procrastinator. i can't cook. i'm a slacker. i make excuses. my room is a mess and i keep saying i'm going to clean it but i still haven't. so its still messy. i feel sick. i feel worthless. i feel like if my life ended tomorrow i would not be happy with the way i lived it. i am out of shape. i whine. i complain. i get jealous easily, and that's what gets me in trouble. straight up, i've been a bitch. i need to fix this before i lose my mind, or worse, you. i cannot lose you. losing you would result in losing my life. i believe i would no longer care about anything, like there would be no point in even trying. i'd never end my life on purpose. i just simply wouldn't care, i'd be a zombie. i'd give up. i don't want to give up on myself. i know you never will. but i think sometimes you want to. its hard for me to say all this, but then again, no one is reading it. i want to feel god is there. i want to trust in him.i want to trust in myself. i want to prove that i trust you. i want to be in shape and be confident in myself. i want to drive myself to my goals. i want another job. i want to save money. i want to look how i want, and feel pretty. i want to look in the mirror and not want to cringe. i want to feel comfortable in shorts. i want to feel comfortable around people. i do not want to be a bitch. i want to make you happy, because you make me happier than i've ever been. sometimes i feel i am unfair to you, and sometimes i hate myself for it. especially when i don't realize it. you are my sunshine. you make my happy, i know the only forever i have is with you, and thats the only forever i want. you make me laugh. you make me smile. you tell me i'm pretty when i feel disgusting. you make me feel better when i am sick. you love me even though i'm weird. you love me because i am weird. i am thankful for this everyday. i just don't tell you. i try to express it to you with kisses or holding your hand. but i guess that gets to be too much. i'm just straight up emotional about everything today and this is something i need to get out of my system. i mean every word of it. my love for you is endless. you've given me too many chances and i'm scared to ruin it, to ruin everything i have with you that is so dear to me. i love every minute i spend with you. every fight we have is because of me, and you get mad if i cry. but when i can feel my world just crashing down, and my heart breaking, i just feel like i can't breathe and i can't help but cry, sometimes i am afraid that you don't see just how much i love you, or how much you mean to me. and other times i feel like you love me just as much. i'd do anything for you. and everything i have just said, i need to do for me. and you. you deserve for me to be better. i need me to be better for myself. so i will change. please don't think that everything you say to me means nothing, because it mean so much. i love when you tell me i'm beautiful, i believe you. when you tell me you love me, i believe you. when you tell me i'm the only one for you, i believe you. when you tell me to trust you, i trust you. i want to die knowing that i have lived a life satisfactory to my liking. i need to die knowing i was the best girlfriend to you, the best friend to my friends, the best sister and daugher, the best co-worker. no more excuses. no more procrastinating or slacking. i will improve myself for ME.
so, that's that.

my dear friends. it's been far too long. (:
updates:

i'm 18 !!  April 23rd i turned eighteen and it was awesome. (:
andrew and i are not moving out as soon as i had hoped, duh, but we're getting closer.
job = full time! i'm assistant lead teacher now and i absolutely love it.
i work 7:45 -3:45 five days a week, and it kicks my ass. i'm tired all the fucking time.
if i'm not working, i'm with andrew. if i'm not with andrew, i'm at home sleeping.
i feel bad, guilty, that i never ever see my family. for crying out loud, i miss out on a lot.
and they miss me, but i just never wanna be home. :(

at work:

i slipped on peach juice, hit my chin on a chair, bit my tongue and lip, and slammed my head onto the hardwood floor. possible minor concussion, haven't checked it out. i ended up with a lump on my head, soreness and swelling and yellow bruising with a tiny cut on my chin/neck, and cuts on my lip and cheek so bad i had to cauterize it twice.
HOW'S THAT FOR A BAD DAY AT WORK?


Andrew and i have been arguing a lot lately, over absolutely the dumbest things ever. and i hate it, because then i feel shitty when things between us are tense. but we always fix things, we always overcome our issues. and i love that, i love that i know we'll be okay. we want to work through things, we know we both want to be together for the rest of our lives and all the reasons, and that's all we really need get us through all the shit.
Baby, i'm sorry for all the fights we've had lately. For the life of me, i can't remember them all. but i'm so glad to still be with you, i'm very blessed to have you. you mean the world to me, and i can't ask for more. i love you  with all my heart and soul. (:



my car = money eater!
i get like twelve miles to the gallon, and i drive all the time.

oh, and the coolest thing:

ANDREW GRADUATED!! (:
baby i'm so proud of you. i never doubted you, i always told you that you could do it, that you could finish high school. and now, you're done. (: and i'm so very proud and happy baby.
i love you! you deserve this, you've earned this.
i love you.

well, bed time. it's far too late.

PS
The Ghost Insides new album is bomb. (:

Life got pretty crazy, i haven't written on here in forever.

But now, after everything, Andrew and I's relationship is stronger than ever. (:
I'm not really sure what to write about, i just felt like updating this shit.

I'm eating bread from Idaho Pizza. It's a great breadstick, (: !!
i'm drinking coffee, and it's delicious.

Well, this is incredibly boring and pointless.
So i'll sign off with this:

Andrew, I love you. you're my everything baby. I'm so excited for our lives to come together.
I love you.

XOXO,
Kelsea Breanne.

Was amazing! (:

Saturday, Andrew took me shopping at the mall for my present, and he bought me jeans and a plaid shirt (: too expensive! lol
and apparently.. i wear size zero instead of threes. no more saggy buns for me! (: hahaha.
it was fun. we ate mongolian bbq at the mall and then went to the battle of the bands thing. (: it was fun.. and i was exhausted by the end of the night.

Sunday, February 14th, 2010. Valentines Day:
 
    Andrew came to my house and rang my doorbell.. and he was standing at the door with a single, big beautiful rose (:
On the way to Red Robin, he told me he was going to get me a dozen, but since i like Disney movies.. he'd get me one big beautiful one like Beauty and The Beast, and said I"m the Beauty and He's the Beast. but I say he's wrong, he's never been the beast, always been my handsome prince. (:

We always get the same things to eat wherever we go.. and Red Robin was AMAZING. (: the waiter guy who brought our sauces spilled the ranch all over the table and my sandwich. I couldn't stop laughing! turns out, blt's are good with red robin ranch (: haha.

Then we went to go see The LIghtning Thief, and it was AWE-SOME. (: At first I thought it was way lame, but then it got pretty cool (:
neat movie.

Then we went to Moxie and got our delicious Hot Chocolates with Toasted Marshmellow flavoring (: then we went back to his house... ;)
...and he set up his valentines gift while I slept in his bed. I got him a upper body work out thingy. UNIVERSAL EXERCISE MACHINE! hahaha (:

I'll never forget this year's Valentines Day.

Baby, I love you forever, cross my heart.

XOXO.

P.S.
I'm still falling in love with you, more and more everyday.

haha, you'll never understand unless your andrew. (:

For The Fallen Dreams was plain amazing, i just about shit my pants. i got to see my buddy Hunter, which was awesome. (:
we need to do coffee again soon, mayaaaannn.
The Ghost Inside was there, which was also super awesome, i got a sweatshirt (:
Also Your Demise, Suffokate, and Versailles played.

I can't even remember if i've updated on my "personal issues" lately, so here goes:
my grandpa in DENVER (i'd kill to just spend one day there, right now!) had a tear in his aeorta from his ribs to his hips,
YEAH. so he had emergency open heart surgery last thursday, on the 21st.
and last night he had a mild heart attack... i'm not sure how he's doing or what's going on yet. but it's a poopy situation.
My mom is in denver, she left on the 22nd. and she's still gone which means my grumpy 'ol father has been the dad and the mommy this past week, and boy do we all miss my mom. i've been driving her car, which is bomb. it's a freakin' mini van which is lame but it has a dvd player in it, and heated seats. my car steve is just a messy car i've been too lazy to clean. however i do miss driving it often.

Friday, andrew and i went on a date! (: we went to Shari's, and then we parked in the Edwards Cinema parking lot and watched Corpse Bride in my mommy's car while we waited for it to be time to watch When In Rome in the actual theatre.
it was fun, that movie was awesome (: i suggest watching it for sure.

Last night i felt so lonely, the house was quiet, i was just watching tv and i no one was texting me back, it was super lonely. So i lay down to go to sleep at like, three am, and at three thirty my phone vibrates with a message from Andrew saying "I love you too baby, Remember that always."  can i just say, that not only made my entire day, but it made me cry? i was feeling so sad and lonely and emotional, and out of the blue he texts me back, after i hadn't texted him since like ten o'clock.. (:
it was perfect. he told me not to cry and to just go to sleep, haha. but seriously, i love you so much baby.
YOU remember that, always.

XOXO,
Kelsea Breanne.

 (: GHOSTCLUB.


Bonjour!
so i've been sick since new years. with i don't even know what.
and my poor andrew still is sick from since before new years. :(
i think he's getting better though.
my grandpa has cancer again ???
it's a possibility.
i dyed my hair extremely brown.
reddish brown..
i think i like it. it's the first day so idk yet.

this is such a boring post, my apologies.
i can't wait to see andrew tonight (: i'm soo bored.
i did my nails.. did my hair twice.
got dressed. i have to fix my makeup.

i'm sitting here listening to GHOSTCLUB! and loving it.

XOXO
-KB